You aren't a good enough mom.

"You are a horrible mother. You aren't good enough. You aren't doing it right. You are screwing it up. I know you love your kids but you suck. You are ignorant. You need to do more research. Your best is not good enough. You need to do it like this. Your kid is this way because a whole series of mistakes you made. Give it up society of moms. You will never get it right unless you are quaking in fear and even then you will still manage to screw it up. Don't breath, don't blink. Don't live."

This is the message society is sending moms. This is the message moms are sharing with moms. This is the message that consumes most all of my parental choices. Every morning I wake up and hit my knees in prayer,  "Dear Lord, please help me not screw them up." Every morning I feel like he isn't listening. I'm still screwing it up. Every time I screw up I pick up a stone labeled with shame, guilt, and fear.

I remember trying to nurse JR. He had problem with his motor functions and he couldn't suck properly. If I had not been so ignorant he would have seen and OT and I would have been able to breast feed him. I didn't know. Plenty of moms have let me know sense. He had formula. I picked up a stone.

The daycare I chose was the most affordable in the area and recommended by several friends. They dropped him on his head. I picked up another stone.

When he was about two the doctor showed concerns that Jr might be autistic. He then explained because I didn't breast feed I might have made it more likely. I looked at my non verbal, non eye contact child who was drooling everywhere because of his lack of motor skills and realized I just picked up another stone.

The next few years I put my husband through hell. We only ate organic, we never went out to eat, chemicals were rid from our home. I was a raging mad woman. I am positive I caused several moms to pick up stones because I was on a rampage and I was out for blood. I caused my son's problems. The stones were just to heavy.

My neighbor was picking up her own stones up. Do you remember when we were kids how we could sit in the back of a truck sans seatbelt? Oh, those were joyous years. Beds in the back of beds. We rode out to the lake and fished until dinner. Then we got back into the truck and road the hour home. Or do you remember how we could go outside without our parents? My cousin and I used to wonder the woods. We be toting guns (B.B. guns with pellets) and knives. We shot a squirrel once and dug up baby trees. We ate berries and then were confused and were certain we poisoned ourselves. Well, she was providing that childhood for her son. She had to go to parenting class and almost lost her kids for the same thing we did.

Further down my road this awesome family who I love so much popped their son on the butt because he had ran into the road. These people were good and loving people. I'm fairly certain the dad went to  jail for that. I hid in my house.  I watched my neighbors loose the right to discipline and teach in the ways they felt right and I was terrified. I had every right to be.

Jr became verbal at three. They were backing off the autistic diagnosis. This kid though had no impulse control and was always covered in scrapes and cuts. At the store once this man verbally attacked me. He took a look at Jr's cuts and scrapes and lashed out at me. "You. You! Are you beating him!?" I froze. Of course not! I practice gentle parenting. His finger was in my face and I couldn't find words. Jr who rarely talked or made eye contact looked him dead in the face and said, "My mommy doesn't hit me but I hit you!" Jr glared at him and the older man walked away. I picked up another stone. I still fear going out if my kids have a boo boo.


Bee had febrile seizures and a tick. His condition was more serious than most so we spent a great deal of time at neurologist. I learned that I was in fact a horrible mom again because I had smoked in my teens and this made it where his Nervous system wasn't complete. I picked up another stone.

With HK I went into panic mode. Cloth diapered, breast fed, nothing not organic, no new clothes, 200 dollar car seat...ect. I was panicked with every choice. I had let bee and Jr cry it out but then I learned that made me the devil so I never put her down. I felt I did it all right. I didn't enjoy her much. I cried a lot. It was miserable. I was so miserable. I just couldn't get it all right. I stopped nursing at one year mark. I felt like a hero. I later learned you shouldn't stop so early. I picked up another stone.

When I was pregnant with Beefy man I became a Christian and I automatically dropped a lot of those stones. Jr has ADHD with autistic Characteristics not because I did anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with Jr. God made him and whatever God makes is perfect and good. I dropped some stones.

My Uncle and I chatted a great deal that year I got saved and he told me that it takes villages to raise kids. He said I didn't need to shelter them but let them live learn, and grow. He taught me fear, guilt and shame was the Devil's work. I dropped a few stones.


I pick them back up sometimes. Recently, I picked up several of them and I crumbled in front of my husband. I said, "I don't think God wants us to foster. How could he? I am a horrible mom. I loose my temper. I give in to easy. I am a failure." Nick said the devil was working to stop me from helping others. He reminded me that God speaks light into our life and the devil speaks doubt. I'm trying to put down the stone.

 My Uncle G says "it is easy to lay our problems at God's feet but it's hard not to pick it back up." We were talking about anger but i think all the negative emotions apply to this advice. So this made me realize I have been praying my prayer all wrong in the mornings.

My prayer of "Please God, don't let me screw it up." It's all wrong. I'm going to screw up. A lot. It needs to be, "Lord, thank you. I woke up today with the chance to glorify your name. Walk with me and show me your ways. Let my life show your way to my children. And lord, you forgave me already for all my downfalls. Help me forgive myself."

The truth is....society of moms....whether you screwed up home schooling, screwed up diapering, screwed up nursing, screwed up your education, screwed up your job...ect.....You are still worthy and God has you here for a reason. So put down the stones. Those are from the devil. When you drop the stones you realize you are already filled with God's blessings.