ADHD rant

This month has been odd. Several mothers have reached out to me for support, advice, and empathy in regards to ADHD. I had new friend request, play dates arranged to meet moms with new diagnosis,  text messages, phone calls. I honestly didn't give it much thought until this morning. I'm wading through life with tunnel vision right now. Moving is on my brain so of course I lended a kind a word and gave hugs but I wasn't really attached to what's been going on this month.

This morning all the experiences and words from other mothers came rushing to me after a particular harsh week. Jr has had a rough week. It goes hand in hand with end of school activities. The change of routines make it hard for him to cope. The extra testing spark up his anxiety. The normal summer fever is magnified by his sensory issues. The next few weeks will suck. I know that. Nick knows that. Jr's doctors and therapist remind us of that. Knowing and dealing are two different beasts. I know this is a hard time for him and no amount of medication can help. Still when he throws a book at me and screams, "I hate you, you are the worst mother ever. You never want me to be happy. I'm miserable, miserable. Forever." Then falls into a weeping mess on his Daddy's favorite chair....well it's hard not to bite back or fall apart too. All of that just because I asked him to read for 15 minutes. I'm not even sure why he had a melt down this morning. But I didn't get my morning hug and it took ever inch of me not to raise my voice. He left. I sat at the window like I always do, coffee in hand and wept. ADHD sucks.

Then it happened. This Month rolled in front of my eyes. Mom number one called me to tell me her son was diagnosed with ADHD. She had known for a long time but the medicines scared her. Mom two messaged me to mentor a good friend of her. Mom number three said she felt like a failure and looked to me for inspiration. Me? Look at me? Why? I don't know mom number three very well. It's one of those long distance aquantaince Facebook friendships. All she sees is the joyful photos I post. But I don't post pictures of the meltdowns. Who has time to grab a camera during that? My life is not those photos. There were several other moms that reached out to me this month. Some how I didn't realize how many until I was curled up at the window watching my sons wait for the bus.

I lend kind words to all who reached out to me. I tried to connect through the haze of PCS (military lingo for moving) brain. I failed them. I white washed it and was very generic. Right now I want to be completely raw. I don't want to white wash what those moms or any special needs mom is experiencing. It sucks. It really sucks. When you are a mother you are filled up to the brim with love but when disappointment and anger are a daily part of your life it's hard to reconsile the love you have for your kids to the plain out disappointment you feel that this is your life. You got charts everywhere, you are counting bands, you are creating sensory corners, you are fighting for their rights to be treated equal, plus having them look at you with wild eyed pain. It sucks. And it is okay to tell people so.

1) Be realistic. We Christians believe God knitted our children in the womb and gave them to us as gifts. Often we put them on a pedestals and idolize them because their cute and sweet. Or we put them first before God and husband because we feel they are our duty. Sometimes we invest all of ourselves into them because we think they are our future. He didn't give them to us to idolize, worship, or invest in. He gave his Son for that. Our children are here to be mirrors of our sins, blessings to our hearts, but most importantly our children are here to grow in relation with God. It ain't about us. It is about God. So be realistic. They are on their own journey to God. They aren't here to praise and adore us.

2) Medicines are scary. Yup, they are. You don't know if you should do it? Talk to God. Nick and I knew God was leading us to give Jr meds but I out right ignored every sign. Then I looked up from my coffee one morning and saw JR choking his sister. He didn't mean any harm. He just can't control impulses with out lots of mg of meds. Your story might be different, that is why I pray you don't be a
dummy like me and you talk to God. We could have avoided that moment had I listened.


3) Other moms don't do it better. No one puts their dirty laundry on Facebook. Well, normal people don't. I don't really want anyone know that I yell at my kids from time to time. I don't want anyone judging me for whether or not I spank or don't spank. Most humiliating moment ever was when one of the boys threw something at my pregnant friend. I didn't even see it happen but when I found out I lost my cool and blew up. I sounded like a psychotic drill sergeant. That certainly isn't the mom I want to be or want to be seen as but I mess up from time to time. So will you. Luckily, I have friends who will hold my hand and support me even when I am an ass. I think you need to surround yourself with people who will do the same.

4) I survive because I confess. I pull Nick aside, my best friend, or my mom and I confess my ugly feelings and repent from them. That sounds all spiritually grown, right? No, it's just real. I call my mom and I cry and say, "I yelled at him and I was so mad." And she typically reminds me not to be an ass and that God already paid for my sins. So I move past It and focus on the Good that I have done and will do.

5) Your child was made for a reason. You aren't the Holy Spirit and although you are called to guide your child you are not called to save your child. God will save your child. God gave them ADHD for a reason. So have a little faith.

This journey is hard. Even if your kid doesn't have ADHD parenting is tough. Even if you don't have kids living is tough. I was reading Job 10 this am during my devotional time and Job is having a huge verbal tantrum. He wants to know why God would let him suffer. To live is to suffer and know joy. It's just how life is. It is equal parts sorrow and joy. Parenting is gonna roll with those same basic rules. Look to God and trust.

You aren't a good enough mom.

"You are a horrible mother. You aren't good enough. You aren't doing it right. You are screwing it up. I know you love your kids but you suck. You are ignorant. You need to do more research. Your best is not good enough. You need to do it like this. Your kid is this way because a whole series of mistakes you made. Give it up society of moms. You will never get it right unless you are quaking in fear and even then you will still manage to screw it up. Don't breath, don't blink. Don't live."

This is the message society is sending moms. This is the message moms are sharing with moms. This is the message that consumes most all of my parental choices. Every morning I wake up and hit my knees in prayer,  "Dear Lord, please help me not screw them up." Every morning I feel like he isn't listening. I'm still screwing it up. Every time I screw up I pick up a stone labeled with shame, guilt, and fear.

I remember trying to nurse JR. He had problem with his motor functions and he couldn't suck properly. If I had not been so ignorant he would have seen and OT and I would have been able to breast feed him. I didn't know. Plenty of moms have let me know sense. He had formula. I picked up a stone.

The daycare I chose was the most affordable in the area and recommended by several friends. They dropped him on his head. I picked up another stone.

When he was about two the doctor showed concerns that Jr might be autistic. He then explained because I didn't breast feed I might have made it more likely. I looked at my non verbal, non eye contact child who was drooling everywhere because of his lack of motor skills and realized I just picked up another stone.

The next few years I put my husband through hell. We only ate organic, we never went out to eat, chemicals were rid from our home. I was a raging mad woman. I am positive I caused several moms to pick up stones because I was on a rampage and I was out for blood. I caused my son's problems. The stones were just to heavy.

My neighbor was picking up her own stones up. Do you remember when we were kids how we could sit in the back of a truck sans seatbelt? Oh, those were joyous years. Beds in the back of beds. We rode out to the lake and fished until dinner. Then we got back into the truck and road the hour home. Or do you remember how we could go outside without our parents? My cousin and I used to wonder the woods. We be toting guns (B.B. guns with pellets) and knives. We shot a squirrel once and dug up baby trees. We ate berries and then were confused and were certain we poisoned ourselves. Well, she was providing that childhood for her son. She had to go to parenting class and almost lost her kids for the same thing we did.

Further down my road this awesome family who I love so much popped their son on the butt because he had ran into the road. These people were good and loving people. I'm fairly certain the dad went to  jail for that. I hid in my house.  I watched my neighbors loose the right to discipline and teach in the ways they felt right and I was terrified. I had every right to be.

Jr became verbal at three. They were backing off the autistic diagnosis. This kid though had no impulse control and was always covered in scrapes and cuts. At the store once this man verbally attacked me. He took a look at Jr's cuts and scrapes and lashed out at me. "You. You! Are you beating him!?" I froze. Of course not! I practice gentle parenting. His finger was in my face and I couldn't find words. Jr who rarely talked or made eye contact looked him dead in the face and said, "My mommy doesn't hit me but I hit you!" Jr glared at him and the older man walked away. I picked up another stone. I still fear going out if my kids have a boo boo.


Bee had febrile seizures and a tick. His condition was more serious than most so we spent a great deal of time at neurologist. I learned that I was in fact a horrible mom again because I had smoked in my teens and this made it where his Nervous system wasn't complete. I picked up another stone.

With HK I went into panic mode. Cloth diapered, breast fed, nothing not organic, no new clothes, 200 dollar car seat...ect. I was panicked with every choice. I had let bee and Jr cry it out but then I learned that made me the devil so I never put her down. I felt I did it all right. I didn't enjoy her much. I cried a lot. It was miserable. I was so miserable. I just couldn't get it all right. I stopped nursing at one year mark. I felt like a hero. I later learned you shouldn't stop so early. I picked up another stone.

When I was pregnant with Beefy man I became a Christian and I automatically dropped a lot of those stones. Jr has ADHD with autistic Characteristics not because I did anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with Jr. God made him and whatever God makes is perfect and good. I dropped some stones.

My Uncle and I chatted a great deal that year I got saved and he told me that it takes villages to raise kids. He said I didn't need to shelter them but let them live learn, and grow. He taught me fear, guilt and shame was the Devil's work. I dropped a few stones.


I pick them back up sometimes. Recently, I picked up several of them and I crumbled in front of my husband. I said, "I don't think God wants us to foster. How could he? I am a horrible mom. I loose my temper. I give in to easy. I am a failure." Nick said the devil was working to stop me from helping others. He reminded me that God speaks light into our life and the devil speaks doubt. I'm trying to put down the stone.

 My Uncle G says "it is easy to lay our problems at God's feet but it's hard not to pick it back up." We were talking about anger but i think all the negative emotions apply to this advice. So this made me realize I have been praying my prayer all wrong in the mornings.

My prayer of "Please God, don't let me screw it up." It's all wrong. I'm going to screw up. A lot. It needs to be, "Lord, thank you. I woke up today with the chance to glorify your name. Walk with me and show me your ways. Let my life show your way to my children. And lord, you forgave me already for all my downfalls. Help me forgive myself."

The truth is....society of moms....whether you screwed up home schooling, screwed up diapering, screwed up nursing, screwed up your education, screwed up your job...ect.....You are still worthy and God has you here for a reason. So put down the stones. Those are from the devil. When you drop the stones you realize you are already filled with God's blessings.

The good life

Mother's day craft, Walking Angry Bryd, MUD SPLASH, and Awana's! This is the good life!

YOLO

We spend a lot of time in this family just being silly. It seems the more fit Nick and I get the more sillier we are. Our kids get muddy and go out in public dressed as characters. Our living room is often transformed into a majestic fort with dragons and princesses roaring around like zombies that only eat non brother brains. Thank God I got this life. These kids bring Nick and I so much joy. So sometimes we are late because we have to take a bath because mommy got side tracked an okay mud jumping. Sometimes we get strange looks for being outside in our bathing suits in the pouring rain. Often I feel a bit embarrassed as my kids accompany me to appointments dressed as HULK SMASH or whatever else they are into...But YOLO...as the young hipsters say. You only live once.

HK really wanted to go to her friend's birthday party dressed like batmansuperman.

I left for a run to come home and find Bee had built a fort and was snoozing in his creation.

 

I often get asked "what's wrong with HK? why is she upset?" eh, this is just her face, yo.

Tomato growers

DIRT + Boy=JOY

HK got to plant the seeds.

Angry Byrd is exploring the world upright these days.

We had places to go....but we stopped and played in the mud for a bit. There is always time to change clothes.

I worked on a picture about Woven objects and HK Wove paper.

He comes home, does his homework, and finds a quiet place. It's how he rolls.

Peek A Boo baby!

Singing in the Rain

She loves the yellow umbrella.

HK found a ladybug that she named butterfly and then later named lady bug.

Bike Time

Bathing suits were really meant for rainy days...did you know?

she is yelling at her brother

pulling him up and down the road

she said, "Bikes are more fun in the rain." Well, i guess she is right. Except she was super mad when she realized her precious bikey was getting wet.

Lots of HK picks this time...it's cuz the boys are at school when I get bored and bring the camera out. And Angry Byrd naps half the day. But....ya can't ever get enough of the many dynamics of HK.